


Sadness

by AmayaInMyTummy



Series: My own [1]
Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Blue - Freeform, Blue butterfly, Boken seulgi, Broken, But seulgi keeps hoping, Butterfly, Disappointment, F/F, Give jimin some love, Hope, Hurt, M/M, Park Jimin Needs a Hug, Sad, Sunflower, broken jimin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:14:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmayaInMyTummy/pseuds/AmayaInMyTummy
Summary: What's it like to be human





	1. Blue butterfly

**Author's Note:**

> All my sadness in here

* * *

Walking alone nearby the sea, my thoughts fly me to places I don't want to unravel and explore again. The darkness of the dawn, the moon behind me and the sound of the waves crashing the shore all lead me to my misery.

I keep my knitted sweater close to my body as I sit down on the soft sand, and watch the sea as it tries to kiss the shore again and again.

Closing my eyes, I let the hollow feeling surround me like a thick blanket that weighs me down. Maybe this is what I need, something that can keep my feet on the ground. Maybe I just need to be buried first, so that I can learn from it.

I let my mind wander. From my past lover and our broken relationship to the expectations of everyone around me.

They all strike me heavily with too much force and pressure into my heart that I can't help a teardrop from flowing out my eyes. I never wanted anything of these to happen. I never wanted to be such a failure that nobody wants.

Recently, I've failed miserably to be a good daughter. I kept doing everything that was said to be either annoying or so wrong, unknowingly.

My past lover grew tired of me, for I was always sad and jealous. I'm too clingy, too serious and too everything for her. So she left me. Without much to say.

And that's my life. Full of disappointments and heaviness.

Sometimes I wonder if I just disappeared from their lives quietly, would they even notice? If I was to kill myself, would they even try to save me?

Maybe not. Maybe they would. I can't know. The heaviness just drags me down and my tears overflow despite keeping my eyes shut.

I opened my eyes moments after, and looked at the sudden color that coats the clear sky. Smiling to myself despite the overwhelming tears escaping my eyes, I inhaled the beauty of nature by looking about my surroundings.

For a second right there, I forgot how awful of a person I am. How I'm always so weak that I can't hold on to the things worth holding on for. How my emotions bury me alive with its heaviness. I forgot all that.

Even for just a moment, I felt nature cleaning my soul and washing my stained heart. And I closed my eyes again to breathe in the love and hope and the beauty of the nature.


	2. Broken

I step on broken glasses, the result being bleeding feet, as the world weigh down on me. I let the hurricane inside me stream out in the form of tears for a moment before I turn to wipe it out with my dirty hand.

Even if I was probably only stepping at broken shards of glass for half a minute, I can't help feel like I've been spending a lifetime in each step. How could I not? My dignity was just grabbed from me and there's nothing I could do about it.

They all laughed at me and criticized me for years, yes, but they were all nobody. I didn't care about nameless people shaming me, those who go with fake names and fake profile picture to mask their identity.

What broke me into million pieces a second was my own friends, my own family, my own lover all criticizing me at once. They sent hurtful words like it was as easy as breathing. They flew me to the hole I created for my self-doubts like they were bidding me a good night.

It was so easy for them to mock me and strip me of my dignity in front of each other, teaming up like it was what they were made to do from the beginning.

And it was okay for me. I knew that they knew that I'd be fine with it. So they went on for hours, until all I could see was my bruised hands from having to keep biting it just so my sobs wouldn't be heard.

Then I got them dirty. So dirty I couldn't even make of what it used to be. Just like how I once was.

Dirty from punching everything and everyone that came my way. It was almost as natural as blinking whenever I see anything irritating.

But that was a while ago.

I'm treading fallen pieces of glass like the lost boy I am, and letting imaginary pieces of glass rain down on me. I imagine my surrounding getting cold and so dark, the main source being somewhere inside of me. And I chuckled darkly, because I am naked with my thoughts and emotions, and no one would understand the hollow feeling.

Never had life been so good until now. Oh how I wish this wouldn't end.


	3. Sunflower part 1

I watch as she laughs softly at me, liking how her laugh sounded to my ears. Letting the soothing melody of her laugh ring softly against my ears, I try to get in the moment, but also out of it at the same time. I try to capture the moment in my heart.

All the little details that make up one big event. Her beautiful curved eyes. Her crinkled nose. Her pursed lips. All as she tries to keep in her laughter.

Her hair flowing like silk down her shoulders. Her shoulders hunched and her body leaning closely to me. Her hands pressing soft messages onto my arms as I stare at her with a smile on my own face.

I try to capture it as I scan through every single thing, but with every second that pass as her laugh fades a little, I can't help feeling helpless that there's no way to capture this the way I want it. I feel the details I captured with all I have slip through my grasp as though it was like water.

She stops completely, and worriedly ask me if I was alright, asking me what's going on? I stare at her for a moment, trying to hold onto what's in front of me, but my stare falters as I realize yet again how I can't.

Letting my gaze linger on her plump and wet lips, I chuckle a reply, and lean on her to place a quick kiss on her lips. Our foreheads rest on each other as I hold her waist, with me hoping to get as intimate as possible, to feel as if this moment was made to be ours and ours alone, and she sings her giggles into my ears, giving me a split-second to actually appreciate what's in the moment.

I whisper back a confession of love, so sincerely and so passionately I could've filled an entire black hole to prevent it from sucking matters into its strong gravity, and she just smiled. Her smile that reciprocates you with the same words you uttered to her.

My heart beats and the sun shines and we are holding each other tightly and closely and we are breathing; for a second, I don't try to hold on so much.

And that may or may not be where I was wrong.


	4. Sunflower pt. 2

The second I realized that I let her out of my sight, my heart is filled with regret, but I force my mind to think that this is the best for us. If we are always together, there wouldn't be any space left in us for ourselves. But I think, aren't I already in too deep in the ocean of my love for her?

She smiles lightly at me before we part, like she knows exactly what I'm thinking about, and utters sweet nothings but everything into my ears, saying how she'll always be in my heart and that I don't have to worry because we are connected impossibly but so real that if something happens to her, or to me, either one of us would know. And I believe her then, because she always know what to say, because she believes so much in me, in us.

One moment, her lips are pressed on mine, and the wind is blowing against us so nicely and everything is perfect and I can breathe so easily. Then the next, I'm left alone in the field, still remembering her eyes, her nose, her lips. The way she smiles and laughs. The way she is and the way I felt around her. I can still feel my heart fluttering like she's still here kissing me with her wet and plump lips.

I don't know how long I was standing there and just remembering how it felt, but when I somehow gained back my senses, I was filled with immense regret of having her slip away from my fingers.

But all there was to do was move on. I had to do things for myself as she has things to do for herself. We'd spent forever and a lifetime doing all the things we were supposed to do, and that has to be enough, even if I felt as if it was just a second. A moment.

We had created memories from every small and big thing, and I know that was something to look back on, something to hold onto and something to look forward to. Because there might be more.

And so, I let my bare feet feel the realness of the grass-patched ground as I tread through the field. Barely even walking, I see us everywhere in this wide field. Arm-wrestling in air. Laughing against the grass while looking at each other sweetly. Sharing a passionate kiss against the tree. Pointing at the sky and both trying to make shapes from the clouds above. Shedding beautiful tears together as we held each other closely.

We are everywhere and I can almost feel that this would be our special place. This would be were I would feel complete all over again and would be where I am the best version of myself. I already feel myself leaving pieces of myself just like that.

I walk moments after, really walking and already leaving behind the place I am supposed to be in. The tree far away from me dances lightly, or at least its leaves, and I try to imagine the sound of it, trying to hear it in my ears even as it was already done. I think that it's beautiful how the tree stands strongly as the leaves shake, and wonder if something as beautiful as that can also happen within me.

The next moment comes and they all flood after the last one that I barely kept track of it with the thoughts that fill up my mind. I just open my eyes one moment and see that I'm running so fast.

It's then that I feel my lungs burning, everything is burning, and I can't breathe properly and the world is a blur in my eyes, but everything is pretty; it's perfect in its privacy, that this feeling only belongs to me right now.

When I look at the sky, it's a perfectly blue sky with barely any clouds, and it's the kind of sea I'd want to drown myself in. As I look back at the road ahead of me, I feel as if I'm invincible and so in control of my life even if at the same time, I feel like I'll fade with how fast and how hard I'm going. But everything went to a complete halt soon.

I was met by the crying face of Himawari's friend is how I'd like to phrase it but we actually bumped on each other so hard that we clumsily stumbled upon each other as we crash against the ground in a messy way. She stays still for a moment as if she hasn't been knocked to the ground by her friend's lover, crying so painfully quiet it hurts me to see her like that, so lost and so not here and so broken.

As I tap her shoulder and say sorry for knocking us both to the ground and ask her what's wrong and why she is crying, she regains her senses and finally sees me.

She tries to smile, but it comes out more like a twisted version of reality in a form of a smile, and ends up crying harder, with strangles sounds this time. The weight in her shoulders that I have noticed before, but which she conceals really good with that beautiful smile of hers, has gone a hundred times heavier and she looks like she's carrying the weight of a great loss. As if she's mourning over a death.

And that's when it hit me.

I think, no, it can't be. It can't be. It can't be what I'm thinking about.

Moments ago, I was just feeling what it's like to be alive. What it's like to feel like you can conquer the world. To feel as if everything is perfect despite that everything is burning and everything is a blur.

I look at her again and see that she's looking at me with so much hatred that I can't accept. I feel like life has been grabbed out of me and I can't breathe for what feels like eternity until it was given back to me.

But then, I don't feel like I truly deserve being alive. Because being alive and breathing means she is no longer here. Himawari's dead and I may or may not have felt more dead than ever.


	5. Sunflower pt. 3

 

All of a sudden, I lost her. I really lost her.

I know it now. They told me she was found dead, smiling her usual smile that we all know was reserved for me and was swimming in her own blood. They tell me over and over again. Repeating it like I haven't heard them the last time and shouting to me how I should wake up, I should go back to reality, because she's gone.

She's so pure for this world, and she has so many dreams and hopes. She was truly the one who changed me in so many ways than one. She gave me her hope and made me believe that tomorrow's always there, that there will always be a new day, another chance.

If I know that it would come to this, I wouldn't have let us part. I know that I was already feeling it the moment I realized that we parted, and it was just there. If I could have prevented this from happening, if I could have told her to stay a little bit more, she would still be here in this world. But I didn't.

When I look around, people rush everywhere. It has only been an hour after I saw her dead body, yet it felt like eternity, and the police is already investigating about why it happened, why she was suddenly dead and swimming in the pool of her own blood.

Everyone's talking either so loudly or so softly, there's no in-between, and I notice myself listening closely to all their words at once. Letting it envelope my mind and have their words repeat all over.

'I think the police will soon discover that her boyfriend really killed her'

'I'm so sorry for her. She's so young and so nice and she deserves the world to be given to her. Oh how I wish the person who did this to her would rot in hell'

'By now, I'm quite sure that he really did it. Oh come on, just look at him, he looks like he can kill thousands of people and not be guilty'

'What is that guy even doing there? He should be helping for the funeral and all, not just sit there like he has his ass glued in the chair'

There were more words, more insults and most were unbearable for him. I just let them repeat it in my mind until the last thing I remember was her smiling face, coughing up blood.

**

When I woke up, I find himself tied to a chair, and the only source of light there is, is the lamp on the table, which is barely giving me any comfort. There was a chuckle that echoes the cold room, and it gives me goosebumps momentarily, but I realized that I was tied down.

I immediately try to free myself from the ropes that tie me down, but every part of my body was tied down to the chair, and struggling, I figured, would only hurt me than do any help.

A guy appeared and sat down on the chair across from me, but I barely make out of his face since the lamp's light is focused on me. I glare at his general direction, trying to intimidate him, because what else can I do?

"Who are you? Why am I here?"

He chuckles and moves forward so that I can see his face. He says, "I'm here to ask you certain questions. And you're here because everyone suspect you of something you may or may not have done."

"Whatever," I say, pissing him off.

The next thing I know he was making me swallow a pill. From then, the words that came off my mouth were uncontrollable.

"She was always the center of attention but I didn't mind that. I kept the jealousy in because I really like her. God, everyone likes her. She's an angel, a true angel that I would like to keep forever but I didn't know what I was doing. Suddenly, I was sprinting and killing her with my own hands. I hated myself at that moment and even now, but all she did was smile at me before she died. And everything from then was just a blur. I didn't know what I was doing. I'm really sorry."

"That's good, that's good. Now we know you really killed her," he says urging me on, but the words that I'm saying right now only brings out so much pain from the past.

I wanted to stop speaking but the pill seems to get out all the things I kept for a long time.

"I love her really. She's all I have. She's the most beautiful being on the planet. She's just so great, really. But why am I like this? Why do I wish for her death? Why do I feel like this?"

By now, I'm crying so hard that I can hardly breathe. I know I love her so much. I know I do. But she's also the reason why I'm suffering.

All those years in the orphanage when we were young, she always get everybody to like her. She was always kind and bright and all that. While the small and petite me is only in the corner, where nobody would see me, where no one could notice me. And I know that she was the one who brought out the best of me but what can I do?

"We appreciate your honesty. But you have to know that your honesty would get you in jail soon, mister."

And with that, they left me in the cold and room. Like how I have always been. Like how I should always be. And a thousand emotions hit me per second, killing me softly so that I am as dead as her.

I know I deserve this, but I can't help but cry. Cry for all those years and all the memories we shared, and for everything. I'm already dead anyway, a few more tears won't matter.

**

I still feel her lips on mine and the wind blowing softly against us. Her smile. Her laugh. The tree dancing. The sky flowing.

But she's mad, and she's getting ready to kill me, with that smile reserved only for me.


	6. Hoping

 

My eyelids feel heavy against my eyeballs, every single muscle in my face telling me how I should just sleep the night away. The night's air is cold, breezing through the frontyard of the house I was staying in for the night, and into my skin, holding it for a frightening second before I get used to the cool breeze.

Chin resting on my folded knees, eyes looking over the dark view of the sea beyond me despite the sleepiness, arms hugging my knees and my right hand clutching onto my phone tightly as if it would crawl it's way to the sea if I loosen my hold for a second. I wish this wasn't what I was doing, wish this wasn't what I looked like, but it is.

Looking so hopeless, so full of emotion that I wasn't supposed to be feeling at the first place. I let my knitted sweater cover my freezing fingers, tugging it from where it's covering my shoulders, making my shoulders go bare and open to the attack of the cold wind.

I inhale the cold breeze with my eyes closing and let out a breath from my mouth, probably creating whisps like smoking would do. I know I can't keep waiting for it to come, that one notification to come, but even as I tell myself not to, I am still waiting for it.

And when he finally replies, I reply in a split-second and put in more of non-sense out there in the chat box, all to be unread.

This can't keep going, because I'm only getting anxious by the second, and I should just end the conversation, but even that has me fearing of what he'd say. Of what he'd think. Suddenly everything fucking matters. And I don't like it.

I look out the scenery again, hoping to see more of it, but I barely make out where the sea meets the shore, and the separation between the night sky and the sea, but it doesn't matter for the calming waves of the sea lulls me to sleep.

Breathing in everything, I wasn't even expecting a reply from him anymore, willing myself to give up into whatever this thing I'm doing is called, but I hear the notification, and all it takes is a blink before I was reading through what he sent me.

A smile. It was that.

I plug in my earphones in both my phone and my ears, choosing a song that would fit the moment, and hoping for the wind to carry me somewhere greater than where I am now.

Looking one last time at the smile, I let it stretch into my own face, despite feeling frozen for a long time with the cool breeze dancing on my skin, and inhale the starry sky that shines brightly at me like it was for me.

It's not like I can prevent myself from being all too crazy about him and giving him everything and doing all the things I shouldn't be doing, but what I can do instead is just live for now, if it means that by tomorrow, I could no longer exist.


End file.
